always forward.

A few months ago I went through something that disturbed my spirit. I no longer was the same Chrissie that my friends knew me to be. For those of you who are loyal readers of mine, I’m sure you guys noticed the huge gap in my posts. For that, I do apologize! I was going through something very emotional that caused me to distance myself from anything that once brought me any kind of excitement. I am aware it wasn’t fair to myself to do that. But it sort of just…happened. I no longer found pleasure in things I once found dope.

As you can tell from the headline, this is a different kind of blog post. Way different than a typical makeup/skincare review that I would generally promote. I’m sharing this because I know there are many women out there who have probably been through this and might currently be going through this as we speak. I’m not one who typically shares the in’s and out’s of her personal life. I promised myself I would talk about this when I was ready and completely over it. I didn’t want to ignite the inner keyboard thug in me while it was still fresh in my mind and heart. I want to thank you in advance if you even made it this far. This is a story and a half. Get your wine bottle ready, it’s a pretty long read…*Pours self a glass* cheers!

I was depressed because of a relationship that ended.

I was single for two years before I got into my last relationship. If a guy tried to pursue me, I was not with the shits. They could miss me with all that. I wanted nothing to do with relationships because I know how I am once I’m in one:

1.) I give my all
2.) I take them seriously.

Two things a lot of people my age don’t know how to do. I wouldn’t really entertain anyone outside of a friendship level. I’ve had a hoe or two but we both knew what it was. Then poof! Here comes this awesome dude who actually gets me. He’s charming, charismatic and educated. He was family oriented, went to church every Sunday and his corny sense of humor matched mine. I had my guard up for obvious reasons. (I ain’t know who sent this handsome devil!) and I was not about to get caught slipping. I don’t know if he took that as a challenge, but he was determined not only to get me to open up but to bring my guard down. I didn’t want to let him in because I’ve had enough when it came to guys who wanted to waste my time. I was in such a great place. I was working, going to school, freelancing for myself and lipstick villain was doing great. Single life was bliss for me because I did not have to worry about a damn thing! I was good.

Fast forward, A few months later he eventually sweeps me off my feet. He had me hooked. He knew it, I knew it— we both knew it. I won’t get into the specifics but he wanted to make it official. I, however, did not. I knew the responsibilities that came with relationships and I wasn’t trying to get my heart broken again. My ass ends up getting into a relationship due to his assertive persuasion. It was great. His mom loved me. My mom loved him. Eventually, our moms even met. When it was good, it was great. Like all relationships, ours wasn’t perfect. I remember feeling unappreciated one night. I felt I put a lot of effort into our relationship and I just wanted the same in return. I won’t even repeat all the dope shit I’ve done because I’m not a tit for tat person.

I wanted to do simple things like go to the mall and people watch. Take a walk in Central Park and maybe have an impromptu picnic. Just regular cute things I know would make us closer. The moment I had brought that up to him, he felt like that was a sufficient excuse to break up. Rarely did I ask anything of him outside of the general needs of a relationship. But the one thing I valued most was suddenly too much to give. Then it came to me: I was in love with a guy who only loved the idea of me. He broke up with me over the phone. His words: ‘I’m not ready for a relationship‘ Not only was this out of character, but this came as a complete shock to me. It was all good just a week ago. ‘WHY? Why waste 8 months if you knew you were going to waste my time like the rest of them? Why get my feelings involved? Why couldn’t you just leave me alone?’ I said. so many questions. I remember getting so angry because it brought me back to that time he persisted for us to be official. ‘He knew something like this happened to me before. Why did he do that?’ I honestly wouldn’t wish that kind of emotional hurt on my worst enemy. It. Hurt. So. Bad. I penned him a letter letting him know he’ll always have a special place in my heart, sent his mom some flowers and the rest was history.

I don’t remember much after that. My job at the time wasn’t giving freelancers any hours so I had all this free time. Thanksgiving passed. Christmas passed. New Year came along and so did my Birthday. I would sleep all day and stay up all night. I binge watched Celia, a telenovela that was 80 episodes deep. I dreaded leaving the house. NOTHING outside interested me. Which was very unlike me because I love to go out and explore. I just went into an emotional blackout. Started drinking a lot. I’ve cried myself to sleep most nights and sometimes would just cry throughout the day for no reason at all. Sometimes I’d get drunk just so that I could sleep. I wouldn’t text my friends back for days at a time and made up bullshit excuses as to why I took so long. To the point where they’d just show up at my house. I’m blessed to have the friends like I have. (and if you’re one of them reading this, I love you & thank you for being there throughout my healing process). I had a lot of time to think.

You’re probably thinking: Damn girl, when does life start getting better? Life got better when I decided I no longer wanted to be hurt. I missed my old self. The independent, self-assertive and witty Chrissie. The always happy, singing, makeup loving Chrissie. My views on relationships and how I see people changed. What happened between my ex and I isn’t the end of the world. I just didn’t think someone I considered to be a great friend to me would catch me THAT off guard and hurt me.

So bam. It’s February. And I’m back like I never left. It felt like my tongue went numb for 3 months and I suddenly felt my taste buds again. I deleted all my social apps. I wanted to live more. Feel more. Experience more. I wanted to stop relying on social media to communicate with people. I know that sounds ridiculous but it’ll make sense in the next sentence. Since I closed myself off from everyone, I wanted to relearn how to communicate physically with people without the help of a DM, Tweet or Poke. This was my way of building up confidence.

Img credit: IAMHOUSE Typography Print | Etsy

I am more aware of the kind of energies I let into my life. Along with that, came the awareness of what I started putting into my body. I started developing a gym schedule and started meal prepping healthy lunch/dinners for the week. I wrote down goals for myself on my mirror with a dry erase marker. Now when I wake up and look in the mirror, the first things I see are affirmations, motivational quotes, and goals looking right back at me.

I started going out more. I started caring about how I looked again (lol). My friends started seeing more of me. Things started becoming interesting again and life no longer felt stale. I started getting job offers and even registered for Spring semester to finish up school. I can honestly sit here and say I’ve never been this focused on being healthy, happy and self-sufficient.

To the guy who broke my heart. Thank you, you actually did me a favor.